Kidney Failure Health Update: Coping with Depression

Posted: July 31, 2017 in Health and kidney related
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Hi there,

Here is another short update of coping with kidney failure. Today I want to talk about a touchy subject and that’s depression and other emotional symptoms that go along with my illness. Depression is extremely horrible to have.  And people with chronic illness also have to endure depression and other emotional problems as well as their main illness.  But some people think that depression is trivial and not a genuine health condition. They’re wrong – it is a real illness with real symptoms.

I find it very difficult to talk about but I thought I would write a blog about it.

I am sorry to admit but because of my illness I find it very difficult to cope. As a result I feel extremely depressed at times.

It is really difficult to explain how I feel. I have mood swings, paranoia, depression. Some days I feel isolated and angry, others days I feel insecure and stressed. I over analyse and over think things. I get worried very easily and have very little patience. As a result I get irritated and lose my temper quickly. My memory is bad.  I struggle to remember simple things. Sometimes I struggle to get my words out and become very frustrated. Some days I feel like I am spinning out of control. And sometimes it feels like I am being sucked into a black hole. Other times it feels like I need to cry and scream and kick and shout. Then other times I go quiet and just want to be left alone.

I feel angry, guilty and alone. I guess this is due to a number of reasons. For example that I cannot be the bread-winner of the family or the father/husband I want/use to be. And also I feel guilty and angry that the transplant did not work. I blame myself. I also think I feel this way because I was disowned and betrayed by my own brother who thought I was imagining my chronic illness and exaggerating my horrible symptoms. I don’t think I ever got over being stabbed in the back by him or understand why he did it (but that’s another story), which I guess has torn me up inside.

The symptoms seemed to have progressively got worse over the past year. For a while now I have ignored the fact that I have these emotional problems. But it has got so bad that I cannot ignore it anymore and so decided to do something about it. I have decided to seek counselling. unfortunately my transplant clinic do not offer counselling so I have had to be refered by my GP. But there is a long waiting list to be seen by a counsellor on the NHS. I was told it could take from 4 to 6 months.  So in the mean time I have decided to take advantage of the free telephone service offered by Kidney Care UK.

http://www.kidneycareuk.org

I found out about the service by accident. One day I put a posting on the kidney care Facebook site asking about counselling and somebody from Kidney Care UK mentioned that they offer a free phone counselling service. So I rang them up and started my phone counselling sessions last week.

Hopefully these sessions will help. But it has helped me a lot recognising I have depression and talking about it with some body impartial. By sharing my problems it feels as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. So I would encourage anyone who thinks that they are suffering from a mental health problem to seek out some sort of counselling.

Anyway, I think that is it for now.

Thanks for reading.

P.S Please remember more than 10,000 people need and organ transplant in the UK. So donation is extremely important.

http://www.organdonation.nhs.uk

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Comments
  1. noelypb says:

    Mental health and depression *is* very serious and good on you, brave of you to write about it. I’m glad to read you’re getting some support, and you keep writing your blogs to help.

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